As per the Collins Dictionary, a ‘glow up’ refers to a person becoming more mature, confident, and attractive.

We all seek to be our best selves with unique ways of striving towards this goal, whether it’s a daily dose of fruity, greens-infused smoothies and a go-to workout regime or reading up on intellectual topics of interest and watching YouTube videos on how to live a more productive lifestyle.

All this is beneficial…but if your glow-up routine lacks one simple thing, none of your hard work is going to pay off.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ teaches us:

“Verily, gentleness (Ar-Rifq) is not found in anything but that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything but that it disgraces it.”

[Muslim 2594]

Therefore, it doesn’t matter how flawlessly dewy your skin is, how well you can perform an impromptu speech to knock the socks off a sophisticated audience, or how many followers track your every move on social media, if you don’t have a gentle, kind, and approachable nature.

Now, some of you may be thinking, “Wow, cliché much?”, while others could be smiling to themselves with an inward, “Well, I’m not such a bad person! I think I’m doing fine.”

The next part of this article might just convince you otherwise! Let’s do a deep dive into scientific research that points to this quality as the glue that holds relationships together and explore how we can excel at beautifying our interactions with our co-habitants on Earth.

Appearance Vs. Reality

Imagine you’re meeting someone for the first time and have heard so many great things about them. You’re excited and a little bit nervous; they’re the talk of the town for their beauty, talent, and accomplishments.

 You walk towards them, and your heart skips a beat; they’re standing there looking better than you could imagine, carrying themselves with so much charm and elegance that you automatically straighten your shoulders. 

As you’re about to come into their line of vision and greet them, someone accidentally bumps into them from behind, and they nearly lose their balance. You stop in your tracks and watch with wide eyes as that person's face darkens and their lips part on a cuss word.  They glare at the poor offender and tell them off harshly before turning around and walking away, deaf to any apologies.

How do you feel about this individual now?  If your entire image of them isn’t shattered (like it would be for me), they will have fallen in your eyes.  Some of their shine has rubbed off to expose a cheap, undesirable layer underneath.

We need to ask ourselves now, do I want to spend my time with that sort of person? And would I want to be such a person? They might not be bad people, but do we want to fall into the trap of treating people in such a way during our distress?

In Islam, we take the Golden Rule (treat people how you wish to be treated) one step further.

Our slightly but profoundly tweaked rule (Platinum Rule, perhaps?) is ‘treat people how you want Allah to treat you.’

In another hadith, we learn from our Rasulullah ﷺ :

“The merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth, and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.”

[Tirmidhi 1924]

The truth is, we can’t pin our expectations on people treating us like we deserve. This should not be our motivation in sweetening our relationships with those around us.  Our driving force should be to gain the Pleasure of Allah, His Forgiveness, and Mercy which we desperately need.

Your vibe attracts your tribe

We spend much of our lives seeking fulfillment in our relationships, finding the people our souls click with so that being with them feels as effortless as breathing.

Why do people gravitate towards each other, and how do they remain in long-term relationships that add value to their daily lives?

According to multiple psychological studies (see references), these are some key qualities that individuals must display within a relationship to make it last and thrive:

●   Forgiving and overlooking

●   Respecting differences

●   Encouragement with (others’) individual goals

●   Honing (personal) beneficial qualities

●   Commitment to “making things right”

As you can see, dedication to nurturing the best in people and being of service to others with the best manners is a must-have trait when it comes to sustaining and growing bonds.

In Islam, we’re encouraged to be the people we want to attract and keep close to us.

“And good women (are) for good men, and good men (are) for good women.”  [Surah An-Nur:26]

Therefore, fostering a gentle, loving, and pardoning heart in ourselves is a fantastic tactic to draw similar beautiful souls into our circle, while also ensuring, bi’idhnillah, that our relationship/friendship will carry on through every type of weather!

“Kill them with kindness”?

It’s not conditional; you only have to be kind to people if they’re nice to you. It’s effortless to reciprocate goodness with the like!

The true effort and challenge is to overlook people’s mistakes, rebelliousness, and mistreatment of you and respond to them with kindness anyway.

We learn in the famous hadith about Jews of Medina’s verbal abuse of the Prophet ﷺ the etiquette of responding to the braying of the ignorant ones.

When Aisha رضي الله عنه responded angrily in defense of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, he told her:

“O Aisha, Allah is gentle, and he loves gentleness in all matters.”

And in another narration, he ﷺ said:

“Beware of harsh and profane words.”

[Bukhari 6528]

Some people operate under the false notion that they have to say things to people bluntly and harshly “for their own good”.

This goes against the Sunnah of our Prophet ﷺ and the Best of Examples for humanity, and if we’re being honest, it’s not hard to see why.

None of us respond well to being spoken to in a cruel, belittling, or nagging fashion, so how can we expect others to listen to us and change for the better when we speak in such a way?

Another mind-blowing display of mercy and gentleness on the part of Allah and His Rasul ﷺ was towards the archers of Uhud who had heedlessly disobeyed the Prophet’s direct command and led to the carnage that turned the entire battle around.

Allah  سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى  says in Surah ‘Ali Imran:

“And by the Mercy of Allah, you [ Muhammad] dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh hearted, they would have broken away from you.”

Many righteous lives were lost, including the warrior of Islam and the Messenger’s beloved uncle, Hamzah رضي الله عنه. The Prophet ﷺ himself had sustained severe wounds, but his internal grief at the mutilated corpses of his Companions was even more painful.

Yet, look at his forbearance, mercy, and forgiveness by the Grace of Allah.

 And this wasn’t just for show, as Allah commands His Messenger ﷺ:

“So, pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter.”

The Prophet ﷺ was asked to include them in future decision-making, SubhanAllah, the very individuals who were responsible for the devastation at Uhud!

This teaches us something vital; we respond to challenging people with softness not because we want to ‘kill them with kindness’ but because we want to ‘heal them with kindness’, bi’idhnillah.

Sheikh Salih Al-Fawzan رحيم الله has a beautiful statement that reinforces our ‘platinum rule’ mindset:

“If you want Allah to forgive you forgive the one who has done evil to you because the reward (you receive) comes from the type of actions (you do).”

[Sharh Kitab Al-Kaba-ir, Page 106]

A quality of Allah’s Chosen Ones

When Jibreel عليه السلام came to the sanctuary of Maryam عليها السلام in the form similar to the most beautiful man amongst Bani Israel, she, in her purity and piety, immediately moved to safeguard herself from any immoral intentions.

But we often overlook the true beauty of the words she directed at him, despite initially believing that he came to compromise her virtue.

She said, “Indeed, I seek refuge in The Most Merciful from you, [so leave me] if you should be fearing of Allah.” [Maryam: 18] 

Maryam عليها السلامchose to use “The Most Merciful” from all of Allah’s perfect Names and Attributes to convey to this ‘sinner’ (in her mind) that all hope was not lost, that he could still repent and turn back to Ar-Rahman!

And Ibrahim عليه السلام, Allah’s chosen friend, tells his disbelieving father, who threatened to stone him and eventually tried to burn him alive for his faith:

“O my father, indeed I fear that there will touch you a punishment from the Most Merciful so you would be to Satan a companion [in Hellfire]."

He reminds this cruel man that he has a merciful Lord, so why would he reject such an Illah in favour of Satan’s evil enticements?

The salvation of people, whether close relatives or absolute strangers, was a priority for these well-wishing hearts, so loving towards Allah that no amount of harm or torture from people could diminish the generous spirit of their Da’wah.

Finally, when it gets too hard to combat toxicity with gracious positivity, remember:

“Verily, Allah is gentle, and He loves gentleness. He rewards for gentleness what is not granted for harshness, and He does not reward anything else like it.”

[Muslim 2593]

Yes, you need to set boundaries and not let people walk all over you, but do so gently. Don’t cut people off or be harsh with them just because of their failings as human beings. We can all be difficult, stubborn, and contrary. Instead, think of all the times when someone in your life has been patient, soft, and considerate with you when you were not being your best self.  Aspire to make others feel forgiven and motivated to do better next time for the sake of Allah.

May Allah guide us to be those who make life easy for people, who show them the way back to their Lord in a beautiful manner, and who embody the incredible characteristics of His noble Prophets and their righteous Companions that will endear us to Allah.

Allahumma Aameen.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-chemistry/201801/how-make-relationship-last-forever

https://time.com/4366236/relationship-secrets-research/

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-things-to-make-a-relationship-last.html